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"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?"
Book review: Things I wish I'd known before we got Married
Sub-topic: Neatniks and Slobs
Then there are the Neatnik and the Slob. “I’ve never known anyone as sloppy as Ben,” said Alicia.
How many wives have said this about their husbands less than a year after their wedding?
Interestingly, before marriage this never bothered Alicia. Oh, she may have noticed that the car wassometimes messy or that his apartment was not as neat as she would have had it, but somehow she
concluded that “Ben is a more relaxed person than I am. That’s good; I like that. I need to loosen up alittle.”
Ben, on the other hand, looked at Alicia and found an angel. “Isn’t it wonderful that Alicia isalways so tidy? Now I don’t have to worry about keeping everything clean because she will take careof that.” However, three years later he is being bombarded with verbal stones of condemnation towhich he responds, “I don’t understand why you would get so upset over a few dishes left out.”
Some people do live by the motto “A place for everything and everything in its place.”
Otherpeople have no compulsion to put away their tools, clothes, used coffee mugs, or anything else. Afterall, they may use them again in a week or two. They reason, “Why would you want to waste timepicking up dirty clothes every day? Leave them on the floor until it’s time to wash them. They aren’tgoing anywhere and they don’t bother me.”
Yes, we are wired differently and have difficulty understanding why the other person would notsee it our way. This personality difference is not hard to discover; it simply requires that during therelationship, you keep your eyes open to reality. Look at his car and his apartment and you will knowwhether he is a Neatnik or a Slob. Look at her kitchen and her bedroom closet and you will also knowwhich personality pattern is natural for her. If the two of you fall into the same category, you willeither have an immaculate home or a place where you have to step over the clutter. But both of youwill be happy. If you fall into different categories, then now is the time for negotiation. Face realityand discuss who will be responsible for what after you are married in order to keep some level ofemotional sanity. If she is willing to pick up his dirty clothes daily and put them in the laundry hamperas his mother did when he was in high school, this is fine.
However, if she expects him to be moreresponsible, then he must be willing to change or else hire his mother to come over daily to pick uphis clothes. Certainly a satisfactory solution can be negotiated—but the time to start negotiation is before marriage.
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