29/06/18 That I Was Marrying Into a Family

Word count:
"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?"

Book review: Things I wish I'd known before we got married

FIVE KEY ISSUES
...In addition, there will be traditions. One young wife said, "My sister and I have always taken our mother out for dinner on her birthday. Now that we are married, my husband says we don't have money for me to fly back for mum's birthday. I'm finding this really hard to accept. I don't want my mum and sister toward him, but I'm afraid that's what will happen."

A young husband said, " For as long as I can remember, on the fourth of July, my family has a fish fry. The men go fishing early in the morning. It's an all-day event. It's the one time each year that I get to see all of my cousins. My wife thinks that we should spend the day with her parents, but all they do is go out to a restaurant for the evening meal. We could do that anytime: 'Traditions are often undergirded by deep emotions and should never be treated lightly.

Your in-laws will also have expectations. Unless you have spent a great deal of time with them before marriage, you may be blind sided by these expectations.

To be continued next week.
Have a blessed weekend.

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28/06/18 That I Was Marrying Into a Family

Word count:
"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?"

Book review: Things I wish I'd known before we got married

FIVE KEY ISSUES
Normally, the most intimate of these relationship will be with your spouse's parents. Thus, in this chapter, I want to focus on mother-in-law and father-in-law relationships.

One of the first issues that will likely demand your attention is holidays, especially Christmas. In Western culture, more families get together at Christmas than at any other holiday. Often, the problem is that his parents want both of you at their house on Christmas day and her parents want the same.  If both live in the same town, that may be possible. If they live in the same state, it could be Christmas Eve at one set of parents and Christmas Day with the other. However if they live several states away, you may have to negotiate Christmas with his parents this year and her parents next year, and spend Thanksgiving (new year) with the parent or parents who won't see you at Christmas. There may be other holidays that will be deemed important for one or both families.

To be continued tomorrow by God's grace

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27/06/18. That I Was Marrying Into a Family

Word count:
"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?"

Book review: Things I wish I'd known before we got married

When you marry, you become part of an extended family. This family may include a mother, a father, a step mother, a step father, brothers, sisters, step brothers, step sisters, uncles, aunts, cousins, nephews, nieces, step children, and perphaps an ex-husband or an ex-wife. You cannot ignore this extended family. They will not go away. Your relationship may be distant or close, positive or negative, but you will have a relationship because you are marrying into a family.

Life is much easier if you can have a positive relationship with this extended family. Your relationship with each of these individuals depends on the opportunities you have to interact with each other. If you live a thousand miles from both of your extended families, then your relationship may be positive but distant. Your opportunities to develop your relationship may be limited to holidays, weddings and family functions. However, if you live in closer proximity, then you may have a great deal of interaction with members of your extended family.

Hope we are learning.
To be continued tomorrow by God's grace

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26/06/18 That I Was Marrying Into a Family

Word count:
"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?"

Book review: Things I wish I'd known before we got married

For over thirty years, couples have sat in my office and made the following complaints:
----> "His mother wants to tell me how to cook. I've been cooking for ten years. I don't need her help."
---> "Her father doesn't like me. He tells his friends that his daughter married down. I guess he wanted me to be a doctor or a lawyer. I don't have the heart to tell him that as a plumber, I am making more money than either one of them."
---> "His sister and his mother never include me in their social activities. They invite his brother's wife, but they never invite me."
---> "Her brother is addicted to sports. We don't have much in common. I don't think he has read a book in years and he has no interest in politics."
---> Her father is an accountant. Everytime we are together, he's giving me advice on how to manage our money. Frankly, I don't usually agree with his advice, but I try to be nice."
----> My wife's parents give her money to buy things we can't afford. I resent that. I wish they would let us live our own lives."
(Watch out for comments from family)

To be continued tomorrow by God's grace

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#goodmorning
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#newsongsontheway
#songsofvictory
#newlargefamily
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25/06/18 That I was Marrying into a Family

Word count:
"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?"

Book review: Things I wish I'd known before we got married

CHAPTER 10
(Permit me to jump to this chapter)

If you think that after the wedding it will just be the two of you, your thinking is wrong. You are marrying into a family, for better or for worse. Her family does not disappear the day after the wedding. Both parents may allow you to have few days for a honeymoon alone but after that, they will expect to be part of your lives. In some non-western cultures, parental involvement is more pronounced and overt. In some cases, the bride actually moves into the house with her husband and his parents and lives there indefinitely. After all, the dowry has been paid, and she belongs to his family. His mother will teach her how to be the wife he needs. In Western culture, in-law relationship are not rigidly formalized but nonetheless real.

To be continued tomorrow by God's grace

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#songsofvictory
#newlargefamily
#wisdommatters
#garychapman
#favouredday

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22/06/18 That We Needed a Plan for Handling our Money

Word count:
"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?"

Book review: Things I wish I'd known before we got married
The final suggestion I wish to make is that you decide before marriage who will keep the books after you are married. The one who "keeps the books" is the one who pays the monthly bills and keeps tabs on the online accounts. This is the person who seeks to keep the two of you on track with the spending plan upon which you have agreed. This does not mean that the one chosen to keep the books is in charge of making financial decisions. Such decisions are to be made as a team.
The bookkeeper may not necessarily remain bookkeeper forever. For one reason or another, you may decide after the first six months that it will be far wiser if the other partner would become the bookkeeper. As a couple discusses financial details, it will usually be obvious which one is more adept at such matters.

However, be certain that the one who is keeping the books know how to do so and has full knowledge regarding various checking and savings accounts. Remember you are a team and both team members must be fully aware of financial details.
It is my desire that the ideas I have shared in this chapter will help the two of you fully discuss and find agreement on the financial plan you will follow once you are married. I wish someone had told me that we needed a financial plan before we got married. I think I would have followed the advice.

End of Chapter 8. Stay blessed till next week.

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21/06/18 That We Needed a Plan for Handling our Money

Word count:
"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?"

Book review: Things I wish I'd known before we got married

The other 80 Percent
(From where we stopped yesterday)
For many years my wife and I have played a little game that we have come to enjoy. It is called "Let's see how many things we can do without that everyone thinks they have." It appears started in graduate school days out of necessity, but we got hooked and have continued to play it.
The game works like this. On Friday night or Saturday, you go together to the department store and walk down the aisles, looking at whatever catches your eye. Read the labels, talk about how fascinating each item is, and turn to each other and say, "isn't great that we don't have to have that?" Then while others walk out with arms loaded, names duly signed, you walk out hand in hand, excited that you do not need things to be happy. I highly recommend this game to all young married couples.
Another practical idea that can prevent much tragedy is an agreement on the part of both that neither will make a major purchase without consulting the other. The Purpose of consulting is to reach agreement regarding the purchase. The term major purchase be given a dollar value. For example, the couple might agree that neither would ever buy anything that costs than $100 without such agreement. It is true that many golf clubs and lamps would still be in the showroom if couples followed this principle. But it is also true that many couples would be far happier.

To be continued tomorrow by God's grace

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#newsongsontheway
#songsofvictory
#planyourfinances
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20/06/18 That We Needed a Plan for Handling Our Money

Word count:
"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?"

Book review: Things I wish I'd known before we got married

The other 80 Percent
(From where we stopped yesterday)

Why do we use credit?

Because we want now what we cannot pay for now. In the purchase of a house, that may be a wise financial move. We would have to pay rent anyway. If the house is well selected, it will appreciate in value. If we have money for the down payment and can afford monthly payment, such a purchase is wise. On the other hand, most of our purchases do not appreciate in value. Their value begins to decrease the day we buy them. We buy them before we can afford them. We pay the purchase price, plus the interest charges for credit, while the article itself continues to depreciate in value.

I know that there are certain "necessities" in our society, but why should a young couple think they must obtain in the first year of their marriage what it took their parents thirty years to accumulate? Why must you have the biggest and the best now? With such a philosophy, you can destroy the joy of aspiration and attainment. The necessities of life are relatively few. They can be met on your present income. I am not opposed to aspiring for more and better "things" if these can be used for good. But I am suggesting that you live in the present rather than in the future. Leave the future joy for future accomplishment. Enjoy today what you have today.

To be continued tomorrow by God's grace

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#newsongsontheway
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19/07/18 That We Needed a Plan for Handling our Money

Word count:
"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?"

Book review: Things I wish I'd known before we got married

The Other 80 Percent
(From where we stopped yesterday)
Another extremely important matter that needs to be discussed by every couple is credit buying. If I had a red flag, I would have wave it here. The media screams from every corner: "Buy now, pay later." What is not stated is that if you buy now without cash, you will pay MORE later. Interest rate on charge accounts have a wide range. Many are in the 18-21 percent bracket. Couples need to read the small print. Credit is a privilege for which you must pay, and the cost is not the same on all plans.

One guiding principle is, if you have a credit card, use it only for emergencies (medical treatment) and necessities (car repairs, major appliances). Then, payoff the balance as quickly as possible. Never use the card for non-essentials instead, save and pay cash. The credit card has been for many couples a membership card to "the society of the financially fraustrated." It encourages impulse buying, and most of us have more impulses than we can afford to follow. I know credit cards and in keeping records and that, if payments are made in full promptly, charges are minimal. Most couples, however, will spend more and stretch out payments longer if they regularly use credit cards.

To be continued tomorrow by God's grace

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#goodmorning
#anniesentcares
#newsongsontheway
#songsofvictory
#planyourfinances
#wisdommatters
#garychapman
#favouredday

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18/08/18 That We Needed a Plan for Handling our Money

The Other 80 Percent
That leaves 80% to be divided among mortgage payments (or rent), utilities, insurance, furniture, food, clothes, transportation, medicine, recreation, etc. How this is distributed is your decision. The more you spend on housing, the less you spend on other areas. The most common mistake young couples make is to purchase a house that is beyond their income.
Before marriage, it is difficult to know the exact cost of housing and utilities and many more categories listed above. I have often encouraged couples who are contemplating marriage to find a couple who has been married about three years and is living in an apartment or house similar to what you would contemplate buying or renting. Let them share with you the approximate cost of renting and utilities. They may be willing to give you a list of their other expenditures. This will give you a somewhat realistic idea of what to expect.
A common guideline is to spend no more than 40% of your net income on housing and utilities.

To be continued tomorrow by God's grace
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#goodmorning
#anniesentcares
#newsongsontheway
#songsofvictory
#planyourfinances
#wisdommatters
#garychapman
#favouredday

Gracedrelationshiprecipe@blogspot.com

15/06/18 That We Needed a Plan for Handling our Money

Word count:
"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?"

Book review: Things I wish I'd known before we got married

The second step in developing a financial plan is to agree on a percentage of income that you will save, give away, and spend. There are essentially only three things you can do with money. You can save it, you can give it away, or you can spend it. Deciding the percentage that you will allocate to each of these categories is an important step in making a financial plan.
Through the years, I have encouraged couples to adopt the "10-10-80 plan". Save and invest 10% of your net income. The first purpose of saving is to have emergency funds in case of sickness or loss of job. The second purpose of saving is to pay off any credit card and consumer debts that the two of you may have. The third purpose of savings is in order to make major purchases such as home and automobile. (Retirement saving is normally a part of one's employment package. I strongly encourage couples to participate in whatever retirement plan is offered by their employer.)

Another 10% is to be given away. The purpose of giving is to express gratitude for what has been given to you. The ancient Jewish and Christian traditions encourage of giving of 10% of one's income. The happiest people on the world are not those who have learned the satisfaction of giving help others.
The process of negotiation and agreement before marriage will save you from struggling with this issue after marriage.

To be continued tomorrow by God's grace
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#goodmorning
#anniesentcares
#newsongsontheway
#songsofvictory
#planyourfinances
#wisdommatters
#garychapman
#favouredday

Gracedrelationshiprecipe@blogspot.com

14/06/18 That We Needed a Plan for Handling our Money

Word count:
"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?"

Book review: Things I wish I'd known before we got married

"OUR MONEY": Building Unity
The first foundational stone in developing a financial plan is to agree that after marriage, it will no longer be "my money" and "your money" but "our money". At the heart of marriage is the desire for unity. "For better or for worse," we intend to live life together. The implication is that we will share our income and work as a team in deciding what to do with our money. Incidentally, this also means that his or her debts will become "our debts". It also implies that his and her savings will become "our savings," If you are not ready for this kind of unity, then you are not ready for marriage.

To be continued tomorrow by God's grace
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#planyourfinances
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#garychapman
#favouredday

Gracedrelationshiprecipe@blogspot.com

13/06/18 That We Needed a Plan for Handling our Money

Word count:
"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?"

Book review: Things I wish I'd known before we got married

GARY'S STORY
Karolyn rather quickly was hired by one of the professors at the University, and I found a job at the local bank. Neither of us made a lot of money but it was enough to pay the rent on our student apartment, the utilities, and the gas for the car, as well as put food on the table. Neither of us bought any clothes for three years. When I finished my graduate studies and began my first my first full-time employment, we had a grand total of $150.
In those years, we had no money problems because we had no money. As long as a couple agrees to sacrifice temporarily in order to reach a stated objectives, in our case graduate school, as long as there is enough income to pay for the necessities, they are not likely to have marital struggles about money. Our struggles came when after we started "making money."
After three years of sacrifice, we were both excited about spending. However, we had very different ideas about what purchases we should make and when. With no plan in place, finances became for us what it has become for many couples - a battlefield.
The point I am making is that if we had developed a plan before marriage, we would have saved ourselves a lot of useless fighting.

To be continued tomorrow by God's grace
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#newsongsontheway
#songsofvictory
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12/06/18 That We Needed a Plan for Handling our Money

Word count:
"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?"

Book review: Things I wish I'd known before we got married

GARY'S STORY
When Karolyn and I were in a relationship and later decided to get married, it never crossed my mind that we needed to discuss we would handle our finances. Neither of us had any money. After all, we both were recent college graduates. During our college we both lived in dormitories. I had never rented an apartment, never paid an electric bill, never had a car payment, and seldom ever bought clothes. I worked part time to pay my college expenses. After my junior year my parents were kind enough to give me a car and pay the insurance. The clothes I wore came as gifts from my family at Christmas and on birthdays.
Karolyn's experience was similar except that before enrolling in college, she worked full-time for one year, he had her own apartment, and paid her own bills.
The only financial plan we had was that she had agreed to work full-time while I pursued graduate studies full-time. That plan lasted two months. Karolyn's job required her to begin work at 5:30am. She is not a "morning person." Her health was sprawling downward, and we both agreed that this plan was not working. We both decided that we would both look for part time, afternoon jobs.

To be continued tomorrow by God's grace
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11/05/18. THINK BEFORE YOU LEAP

Word Count:

... Friends, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.

Today's Recipe
No act of sexual immorality is inexplicably.

Think of what you will lose than the pleasure of few seconds spent.

Think before you leap.

Book review continues later, bear with us.
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07/06/18 That Toilets are not Self-cleaning

Word count:
"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?"

Book review: Things I wish I'd known before we got married

A PRACTICAL EXERCISE
If you are seriously contemplating marriage, make a list of the things that come to mind that will be done in order to maintain a household. Make two copies of the list and put your initials beside those that will be your major, minor and combined responsibility. Once completed, set an evening to discuss to discuss the list; where you have disagreements calls for negotiation. Share with each other your reasons for the choice you made.

Be as honest and open as possible.
After listening to each other empathically, then seek to make an agreement on who will take up the responsibility. (If you can't agree before the marriage, what makes you think you will agree after marriage?)

Completing this task does not mean you are locked into those responsibilities for the rest of your life. Six months after marriage, you may renegotiate those things. But it does mean that you will enter marriage with better understanding of expectations of each other. Completing these exercises and reaching agreement on who will do what will save your many conflicts and make life flow much harmoniously for both of you.

We've come to the end of Chapter 7: That Toilets Are Not Self Cleaning

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#understandeachother
#liveinharmony
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06/06/18 THAT TOILET ARE NOT SELF-CLEANING

Word count:
"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?"

Book review: Things I wish I'd known before we got married

Likes and Dislikes

The fourth factor in finding agreement about who will do what, is the simple fact that each of you has likes and dislikes.
She may find budgeting and keeping track of finances to be a breeze, where he may find it to be an ordeal. They both have the skills to add, subtract and keep records, but one of them likes to do it and the other does not.

Making sure that each other's likes and dislikes is an important step in the process of deciding marital roles. Ideally, it would be nice to have each of you doing things that you enjoy doing. But if neither of you enjoys doing it, obviously someone must accept responsibility for a task that is not necessarily pleasant.

However, considering each other's likes and dislikes should be a part of the process in deciding who will do what.

#Amos:3:3
#goodmorning
#anniesentcares
#newsongsontheway
#songsofvictory
#understandeachother
#liveinharmony
#garychapman
#happynewmonth

Gracedrelationshiprecipe@blogspot.com

05/06/18 That Toilet are not Self-cleaning

Word count:
"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?"

Book review: Things I wish I'd known before we got married

WHAT ARE EACH OF YOU GOOD AT?
This brings me to the third factor which influence your opinion on who should do what, and that is the reality that both of you have different skills. When it comes to food preparation, one of you may be skilled at shopping for the best deals while the other may simply buy whatever is necessary to prepare the meal. One knows how to dust furniture and the other can't see dust. One is a computer whiz and the other simply knows how to send emails.

We need to have the same skills sets, but it is important to recognize these different abilities and seek to use them for the benefit of the relationship. On a football team, all eleven players have the same objective but they don't all play the same role. The coach (should be God/His Word) seeks to put the players in the position that he thinks they are best equipped to execute. That principle should also be helpful in determining Marital roles.

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#goodmorning
#anniesentcares
#newsongsontheway
#songsofvictory
#understandeachother
#liveinharmony
#garychapman
#happynewmonth

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04/05/18 SEXUAL PURITY IS NOT AN OPTION

Word Count
"One final word, friends. We ask you— urge is more like it—that you keep on doing what we told you to do to please God, not in a dogged religious plod, but in a living... You know the guidelines we laid out for you from the Master Jesus."

God wants you to live a pure life. Keep yourselves from sexual promiscuity.

Sexual purity is the will of God not an option, obey it.

1 Thessalonians 4:1‭-‬3MSG
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01/06/18 THAT TOILETS ARE NOT SELF-CLEANING

Word count:
"Can two walk together, except they be agreed?"

Book review: Things I wish I'd known before we got married

WHERE DO THESE IDEAS COME FROM?
A second influence upon your perception of marital roles is your own philosophy about maleness and femaleness. Your own philosophy answers the question, "What does a man do and what does a woman do in marriage relationship?"

Your answers to this question has been greatly influenced by your educational experience. For example, if she attended a university where she was exposed to strong feminist professors, then she will likely have very strong opinions about what women do and don't do in a marriage relationship. On the other hand, if she attended a conservative religious university, she will likely have very different ideas as to the roles of a woman in marriage.
To ignore these strongly held philosophies or to think that your love will override their influence is foolish. If you cannot negotiate these differences before marriage, they will greatly inhibit your ability to develop marital unity.

Your philosophy of maleness and femaleness greatly influence your expectations of marital roles. Discuss them instead of practicing frivolities during courtship.

#Amos:3:3
#goodmorning
#anniesentcares
#newsongsontheway
#songsofvictory
#understandeachother
#liveinharmony
#garychapman
#happynewmonth

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